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I am Monkey

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I really have not sat down to write anything in a good long while and maybe that is why i am going crazy. Facebook does not lend it self well to the stuff I want to post and to be honest there are too many damn family members on it.

I really fell that I am at a crossroad right now. I can continue the safe route and work a job that I utterly hate or i can make a jump in to a world of uncertainty. It is not an unknown fact that i hate my job with every fiber of my body, it started out as a simple dislike but has ballooned it to a rage that consumes me. But fuck it pays oh so good. Which brings us to the simple problem, money. The job has allowed me to buy a house, nice car, and new camera gear, but does that bring true happiness. I think that it actually brings a sense of spite, I cant walk away from the job because i am dug in too deep at this point.

For the past year and half I have been working on a huge photo project. The tattoo shop that I go to found out that I was into photography, and they approached me with a book they wanted done. So being the kind of person I said yes of course, I mean who wouldn't want to put out a book. So i began shooting stuff i had never shot before, people. It was very intimidating at first, but I am glad that I have been working on it. It has allowed me to grow so much in such a short time. I didn't have the luxery of have someone to learn from I had to figure it out as I went. And all the while it dawned on me, I should do what I love and not what I feel obligated to do.

So I set out, laid out a 5 year plan to give myself a timeline of where i should be and when. But it has brought about a conflict I feel. I am so drained by the job that I have no energy when i get home to work on things, so that leaves me my two days off. One of which is filled with project work and the other well i have to clean sometime. I dunno, the book will be done soon on my end and off to the publishers and that will probably free up more time that i think.
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So last night I took a blood pressure reading because the day before I used the machine at Kroger and i had a reading over 170. Last nights reading was 160/105 and 163/105..... thats not good. I mean last night after that last reading i looked at it like a death sentence. I freaked out, and my over reactive mother did not help matters either, i mean she basically wanted me to run to the doctor the next day. I will go to a doctor but not an immediate care center for this.

This morning i was depressed because i have to give up all of my comfort foods that make me feel good to change my life. But there in lies the problem. I look to food for comfort. When I am down i run to the deep fryer and just want grease down my throat. But if i look at it rationally my whole life i was not really taught healthy eating. Every meal in our house came out of a prepackaged box. Im not blaming my family but if i look at the environmental factors of my childhood it makes perfect sense.

Now where do we go from here. Well a drastic life change has to happen first. I have to give up the vices in my life that have caused this:
1 No more fast food except for subway if i have to eat fast food
2 Only eating on rare occasions
3 Change our home eating habits to mostly veggies (yuck) and lean proteins
4 Get my body healthy again, start to exercise and train my body. By doing so maybe I can refocus my energy
5 find a way to deal with stress in a creative way and not to bottle it anymore

I am however not giving up two things my cigars and my bourbon. I smoke on such a rare occasion that i hope that it does not have as a big impact as someone with a daily habit. Also i drink so rarely that a bottle of whiskey will last me a year. You can have my cheese but not those.

Wow that felt good
Current Mood:
confused confused
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Wedding planning is fun.

OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING!!

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When there is a snow storm shouldnt the plows also be out. Also dear louisville LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. When it is snowing you dont go 40 in you 4 ton SUV it crushes volkswagens.
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I hate ups delivery drivers. This is what you get with a union with absolute power. You get employees who dont deliver packages and then blame me for it. And proceeded to tell me that they have high powered imaging satalites that take pictures the whole time your package is on the doorstep. Really they are watching my front porch right now. If so then this wouldnt be an issue they would have contacted the police already.

Really we need an option on amazon to choose who we want to ship our stuff to us.

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So my birthday was yesterday and i got my sleeve done on my right arm. Down side was when i got home it swelled up so bad i couldnt really do anything. Yay birthday although the cake that emily made was fucking kick ass. I was pretty miserable until i went to bed.
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A shot at the rud one night

the RudCollapse )

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Here is a shot I took out side the cigar shop the other day. I think that still life is my strong point I still have a long way to go with models.
CigarCollapse )
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Bring on the depression baby its going to be a fun fall.
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So my brother just got t-boned by a cop tonight, and was literally inches from death. Went to the hospital and mom sent me home. Im not sure how to feel right now or how im going to sleep.
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